Volume I: Now

The opening volume of Honghuang: I Am Not Me, following a nameless child born beyond fate beneath the shadow of Five-Finger Mountain.

Chapter 1: A Holy Child Falls from Heaven

Heaven and earth are not benevolent; they regard all living things as straw dogs.

That day, the firmament seemed to be torn apart by force. The brilliant river of stars dimmed in an instant, replaced by a suffocating pressure. Golden Buddhist light brought no mercy. It became an iron curtain imprisoning every living thing. The heavens convulsed and the cosmos trembled with the lament of the Three Realms’ laws collapsing and being made anew.

Above the clouds, a colossal hand overturned the sky. Its five joints became five heaven-piercing peaks of metal, wood, water, fire, and earth. The mountains descended with the force to destroy everything, shredding the clouds and crushing the void. Beneath that world-ending shadow, the Great Sage Equal to Heaven—who had once thrown the Celestial Court into chaos and bowed to no one—raised the sea-stabilizing staff with all his strength, as though trying to bear the weight of the whole world.

Then the mountains fell. Wind and thunder ceased.

“BOOM—!”

Earth and sky shook. When the dust cleared, the once-invincible demon king lay pinned beneath cold, misshapen stone. Only one defiant roar remained, echoing through the valleys.

The Buddha Tathagata sat upright upon his lotus throne, solemn and majestic, a chilling indifference beneath his kindly brows. He raised one hand. Between his fingers rested a golden talisman inscribed with the six-syllable mantra: “Om mani padme hum.” He descended slowly, as if presiding over a sacred coronation, and laid the paper lightly upon the summit.

In that instant, Five-Finger Mountain rooted itself in the earth. Ten thousand shafts of golden light pierced the rock like chains and sealed away the soul that had fought heaven and earth.

Music rose in the Celestial Court. Jade nectar flowed like rivers. Gods and Buddhas filled the heavens, raising cup after cup to celebrate the victory of “righteousness over evil.” In the mortal world, lanterns burned and people bowed toward the west, thanking the Buddha for suppressing the fiend who had disturbed Heaven.

Behind the singing and dancing lay the absurdity of universal suffering. No one noticed how pitiful this so-called peace was. To gods and Buddhas, tranquility meant only fastening heavier shackles upon all beings.

No one noticed. Truly—not one.

At the very moment Five-Finger Mountain settled and the talisman sealed it, three hundred li away, in a nameless wasteland of weeds and withered yellow grass, there came a sound so faint it might have been imagined.

Hiss—

Above the swaying grass, empty air split like silk cut by a blade. The rift held no Buddhist radiance and no immortal aura, only a heart-stilling cold that did not belong to this world. It spread without sound. In that moment, the fate of the Three Realms slipped quietly toward another, unknown abyss.

A baby fell onto the earth.

No thunder. No auspicious clouds. Nothing at all.

He opened blue eyes and neither cried nor fussed, quiet as though he had never been born. In heaven, beneath the earth, along the rivers, within temples, beyond the mountains, before the gods—no one knew that he had arrived.

At his furnace, the Grand Supreme Elder was refining a Nine-Revolution Soul-Restoring Pill. Its fire flickered. He paused and counted upon his fingers, but divined only chaos. Taking it for an obscurity in Heaven’s workings, he shook his head and resumed fanning the flames.

At the Jade Pool, the Queen Mother and Jade Emperor feasted the immortals in celebration of the monkey’s defeat. A thought stirred in the Jade Emperor. His divine awareness swept the Three Realms and found nothing. He raised his cup with a smile. “My ministers, drink deep.”

The infant lay in the grass and looked upward. The sky was high. The clouds were white. In the distance, Five Elements Mountain stood silent as a tombstone.

He did not know who he was. But he knew one thing.

He was hungry.

Chapter 2: Years in the Barren Mountains

Hunger was his first instinct. He opened his mouth but did not cry. Tears circled in his eyes before he swallowed them back. His gaze searched the grass as if he had been born knowing what to do, but Heaven offered no kindness. There was nothing.

Panic came. He crawled in every direction, trying to find something—anything. A tree blocked his path. He craned his neck and saw peaches, large and plump, hanging far beyond his reach. Like a peasant suddenly handed an emperor’s throne, he could do nothing with what stood before him.

A sacred gust arrived with impossible precision. It struck the largest, reddest peach. The fruit leapt from its branch and landed before him. He stuffed it into his mouth. Sweet juice filled his tiny stomach and more. Sated, he lay in the grass, watched the last sunset fade, and slowly closed his eyes.

Wind crossed the wilderness like an invisible hand brushing his cheek.

That night he dreamed. A mighty monkey called to him—yes, to him—calling him… what was it? Ah. Mister Mo.

Then he woke.

At dawn he found himself in a tree hollow beneath a blanket of leaves. He could not remember the dream clearly. It only felt as though something had appeared in his mind, though perhaps nothing had appeared at all. He sat up, looked at his tiny hands and the unfamiliar forest, and went to find food.

That was how the days passed. He ate when hungry, slept when tired, and walked when awake. No one taught him speech, so he practiced sounds at the stream. No one taught him to walk, so he climbed and leapt among the rocks like a nimble little beast.

The mountains held wolves, tigers, bears, and leopards, each a hundred times larger than that small life. None dared approach him. They saw him from afar and fled with tails tucked. Once, a leopard starved for three days tried to pounce. Halfway through its charge it froze, pupils contracting violently, then whimpered and ran as though it had seen something that made its soul tremble.

He did not know what it meant. He only thought the big cats were strange.

At three months, he learned to speak. His first word was “sky.” There was no teacher and no primer; he merely repeated words from an unfamiliar memory.

One year. Two. Three.

The mountains knew no calendar; the primordial world did not count its years. By three he could cross three peaks alone. His body seemed forged from iron: a fall from a cliff left him only dust to brush away. His strength was astonishing; he could snap a tree thick as a bowl with bare hands. His eyes pierced the night, and he walked through black caves as though under noon sunlight.

But none of that was the most frightening thing about him.

The most frightening thing was spiritual qi.

The qi of heaven and earth rushed into him like madness. He had no cultivation method, no master, and did not know the word cultivation, yet the energy circulated by itself—opening acupoints, clearing meridians, laying foundations. It was as though his body had not been made to contain qi, but as though qi had finally found the home it had awaited for countless ages.

One morning, washing beside a mountain stream, he saw the world change. Countless motes floated in the air: gold, green, white, red, each following some profound course. He reached for them. They flowed between his fingers, though several threads entered his arm. Warmth spread through him like hot soup.

He did not know this was called drawing qi into the body. He did not know ordinary cultivators needed three years at best, thirty at worst, to accomplish it. He only thought it amusing and crouched beside the stream each day to “catch light.”

Six months later the lights stopped circling him and began to surge into him of their own accord, as pilgrims toward a shrine. He drained the spiritual qi for a hundred li around him. Plants yellowed. Birds and beasts fled. Even the wind bent around the region.

Chapter 3: The Mountains Know No Calendar

He did not know how many sunrises had passed. Each time he opened his eyes, the sky was the same sky and the mountain the same mountain. Only his limbs lengthened and his body grew stronger. Cliffs that once took half a day to climb yielded to a single leap.

At four, he began to “see” more than qi. He saw lines: transparent threads crossing heaven and earth, some joined to mountains, some to rivers, some to himself. They passed through his fingers, light as spider silk and strong as iron cable. He did not know what they were. He only sensed that the thickest one—a golden line descending from the eastern horizon—had something to do with him.

At five, he tried to grasp them. He hooked a thin silver line and tugged. The temperature within ten li plunged three degrees. Ice filmed the stream and frost bloomed on leaves. Startled, he released it, and everything returned to normal.

He did not know he had touched the first shape of the Law of Cold, a boundary ordinary cultivators might seek for a thousand years. He only thought it fun. Today he pulled one line; tomorrow another. Heat rolled through the mountains, then thunder muttered, then plants grew wild, then leaves fell in heaps. Every bird and beast had long since fled. He remained alone, a child placing stones at random upon the chessboard of heaven and earth.

At six, one morning began like any other. He washed at the stream. The water reflected a young face: loose black hair and pale-blue eyes like glass with ice melted into it.

He blinked. The child in the water blinked.

“Who are you?” he asked.

The reflection did not answer. The question suddenly seemed boring. He stood, shook water from his hands, and looked beyond the ridge toward majestic Five-Finger Mountain. Five peaks pierced the clouds, wreathed in golden light like a gigantic palm pressing down from beyond the heavens. At its foot, black baleful energy churned around something struggling beneath the seal.

He watched for a long time. Then he set out.

It was not curiosity. The night before, he had dreamed of a monkey in golden armor and a red robe, iron staff in hand, standing outside the Southern Gate of Heaven upon the corpses of a hundred thousand celestial soldiers. Blood matted its fur, but its eyes shone like twin suns.

“Mister Mo,” the monkey had called. “When will you come for me?”

Awake, he could not remember the monkey’s face. He remembered only the eyes and the name—Mister Mo. He carried those words inside him like an unripe fruit. He did not know who Mister Mo was or why he had to walk toward Five-Finger Mountain. His feet would not obey him. Or perhaps he had no wish to make them.

He crossed three ridges and two dead forests. Closer to the mountain, vegetation thinned and qi faded. Golden chains wrapped the slopes, radiating a pressure like an unseen hand forcing all creation to bow.

He walked through without feeling it. To him, the pressure was a draft through an open hall—entering from the front, slipping out behind, leaving no trace.

At last he reached the foot of the mountain. Beneath broken rock lay a monkey.

No. Not a monkey. A trapped god of war.

Its body was smaller than in the dream. Yellowed fur clumped beneath dust, making it look like a discarded stone. Only its eyes remained golden and burning, two inextinguishable flames.

Those eyes found him. Monkey and child stared across the rubble for three breaths.

“Boy.” The monkey’s voice scraped like stone against stone, yet held a stubbornness nothing could crush. “Got any peaches?”

He took one from his clothes, plucked from the last living peach tree on the road. Crooked and exhausted, the tree had borne a single hard, green fruit, as though spending its last strength to keep it alive. He had carried it without knowing why. Perhaps something unseen had told him a peach would be needed.

He crouched and held it out.

The monkey stared. Flame surged in its golden eyes, then settled.

“…You’re not afraid of me?”

“Why should I be?” He tilted his head and considered the matter seriously. “You’re pinned down. You can’t move.”

The monkey opened its mouth, then shut it. It accepted the peach but did not bite, turning it over in one hand.

“This Old Sun… hasn’t tasted a peach in a very long time.”

The words were soft. The child crouched nearby as the monkey slowly ate the small green peach, chewing and swallowing even the pit. Its throat moved. Then the golden eyes returned to him.

“What’s your name?”

He thought. “I don’t have one.”

“No name?” The monkey’s brows bunched like two balls of fur. “Not even a name?”

“No means no.”

The monkey studied him from face to feet and back again. Suddenly it bared yellow teeth and laughed, rough and delighted.

“Ha! Good! A nameless person dares walk beneath Five-Finger Mountain! I like you!”

A furry finger poked his shoulder. “Remember this: I am Sun Wukong, the Great Sage Equal to Heaven! From now on, you’re this Old Sun’s young friend. If anyone bullies you, give them my name!”

“You’re pinned down. How will you help me?”

“…You make it very hard for this Old Sun to answer.”

The monkey rolled its eyes, leaned against the stone, and looked skyward. “Go on. This isn’t a place for you. Those bald donkeys left restrictions here. Mortals who linger will come to harm.”

He stood, dusted himself off, and turned away. After several steps he looked back. The monkey stared at the sky. Sunlight leaked through a cleft and made its golden eyes blaze. Though trapped and unable to move, it looked as if it were gazing down upon the entire Three Realms.

For the first time, the child felt he might not be alone beneath heaven and earth.

Back in the mountains he reached into his clothes. Empty. He studied the trace of green peach juice on his palm and raised it to his nose. Faintly sweet.

“Sun Wukong,” he said once, then again, as though carving the name into his bones.

That night he dreamed again. The monkey wore golden armor and a red robe, its iron staff laid across the heavens. This time it did not call him Mister Mo.

It called him “young friend.”

They stood beyond the Southern Gate amid a boiling sea of clouds. The monkey shouldered its staff, turned, and grinned.

“Come. I’ll take you to make havoc in Heaven.”

He opened his mouth to say yes—and woke.

The sky was still dark. Moonlight pooled outside the tree hollow and across his blanket of leaves. He turned over, closed his eyes, and smiled.

He did not know that while he slept, one Sanskrit character upon the talisman atop Five-Finger Mountain split with a soundless crack—fine as a hair, fathomless in depth.

Chapter 4: Ten Years Old

Years in the mountains are long, and short.

At seven, he could shoulder a stone weighing a thousand jin. At eight, he split a waterfall with his bare hands and held its silver ribbon motionless in the air for three breaths. At nine, he no longer merely “caught” light. He began to swallow it. One inhalation drew qi from dozens of li into his limbs and bones like a hundred rivers returning to the sea. Each breath exchanged breath with heaven and earth. Under the torrent, his bones chimed like the strings of an ancient zither plucked one by one.

Yet what concerned him most was always the mountain.

Every few days he visited Five-Finger Mountain. At first every five or six days, then every two or three, then almost daily. He picked fruit along the road: peaches, pears, sometimes handfuls of sour mountain dates. The monkey never complained. It ate whatever he brought while cursing old Tathagata, old Jade Emperor, and—when inspiration struck—the seven immortal maidens who had harvested the peaches. If the child asked what the immortal peaches tasted like, the monkey fell silent, swallowed, and stared toward the southeastern sky.

He knew the monkey missed home—not the cold Celestial Court, but Flower-Fruit Mountain. The monkey never said so. He could tell.

In the autumn of his eighth year, the monkey first saw his strength. A hill blocked his way, so he shattered half of it with a casual punch. Stone exploded and dust rose high enough that villagers a hundred li away thought an earth dragon had turned in its sleep.

The monkey felt the tremor. When the child arrived, those golden eyes fixed upon him without their old casual amusement.

“Young friend,” the monkey said slowly, “where exactly did you come from?”

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly.

The monkey watched him, then sighed. “This Old Sun cannot see through you. Patriarch Subhuti taught me the art of reading qi in the Cave of the Slanting Moon and Three Stars. Other than the few sages, there is nothing in the Three Realms I cannot read. But you… there is nothing on you.”

“Nothing?”

“No thread of cause and effect. No destiny. No mark of reincarnation. I can see you and touch you, but under my Fiery Golden Eyes, you are blank. As though you should not exist.”

The monkey lowered its voice as though afraid of being overheard. The child felt no fear or confusion, only a stir somewhere inside. Perhaps the blank was not a defect. Perhaps it was why he had come this far.

At nine his cultivation reached heights he could not name. There were no bottlenecks, no tribulations, no warning signs. Each breath increased his strength; each day deepened his understanding. He saw the transparent threads of causality extending from all things, woven into a net over the Three Realms. None clung to him, but his hand could touch another’s. A gentle pluck changed the course of fate.

Once he plucked the line of a doe below the mountain. The next day she bore twins, an omen seen perhaps once in a century among deer. He did not know what he had done. The lines merely seemed more interesting than motes of qi.

On his tenth birthday he did not visit the monkey. He stood at the summit above a sea of clouds and beneath an endless sky. Knife-like wind snapped his robes but could not move him. Eyes closed, he looked inward. In his dantian, a green lotus turned slowly, ancient runes carved upon its petals. Deep behind his brow, a mass of chaotic light rose and sank like a door beginning to open.

He did not know his realm. Golden Immortal? Taiyi? Daluo? He had heard the monkey speak those names but never measured himself by them. He knew only that one hand could crush the mountain beneath him. And Five-Finger Mountain in the distance—he opened his eyes toward those five peaks—seemed to tremble beneath its golden talisman when he looked upon it.

He remembered the monkey’s words: “Other than the few sages, there is nothing in the Three Realms I cannot see through.”

Sage.

He repeated the word, the corner of his mouth lifting. It was neither reverence nor longing, but a feeling he could not name, as though asking himself: Are sages strong?

That night he did not dream. Between sleeping and waking, however, a voice reached him—far away as the other end of time, close as a whisper against his eardrum.

“Soon.”

He turned. The leaf blanket slipped from his shoulder, revealing a back growing broad. Moonlight traced a face already losing its childish roundness, carrying a composure that did not belong to his years. He slept deeply, neither smiling nor frowning, an ordinary child upon an ordinary mountain passing an ordinary night.

He did not know the crack in the talisman atop Five-Finger Mountain deepened while he slept.

Chapter 5: Thunder at Twelve

At eleven, he did something that left the monkey staring speechless.

He was carrying fruit as usual when he stopped halfway. Not from weariness. He felt the sky move—not clouds drifting or wind blowing, but the whole firmament reverberating like a vast drum struck from the other side.

Purple-black thunderheads gathered from every direction, a gigantic eye opening slowly overhead. The monkey felt it beneath Five-Finger Mountain. For the first time, alarm crossed its furry face.

“Run! It’s a heavenly tribulation! Someone is crossing a tribulation too close to you!”

He did not run. He looked up as the clouds thickened and a thought came: the lightning did not seem to be meant for anyone else.

When the first bolt fell, he raised his right hand. The purple-gold column was thick as a water barrel and carried the force to destroy heaven and earth. The instant it touched his fingertip, it froze like a snake caught at its vital point. Then it flowed through his arm and into his body—not exploding, not burning, but entering his dantian as obediently as qi.

The monkey’s eyes nearly leapt from its head. “You… you ate the tribulation?”

He inspected his palm. Not a scorch mark. After some thought, he said, “It tingled.”

The monkey was silent for a long time. At last it managed, “What the hell are you?”

Cultivators for a thousand li felt the terrifying pressure that day. Someone had faced a tribulation, yet the tribulation vanished in an instant as though swallowed whole. The report reached Heaven. Grand Preceptor Wen Zhong, commander of thunder, frowned and wrote four characters in his register: abnormal celestial phenomenon. No one investigated. No one could.

Twelve.

He grew rapidly, half a head in one year. His shoulders widened and his voice deepened. On the summit, wind spread his loose black hair like a banner. Each time the monkey saw him, it grumbled, “Well, young friend, getting tall. In a few years you’ll be taller than this Old Sun.”

He ignored it, sat on the rubble, passed over the fruit, and listened to old stories.

Today the monkey spoke not of havoc in Heaven, but earlier days: Flower-Fruit Mountain, Water-Curtain Cave, the Handsome Monkey King, crossing the seas to find a master, Patriarch Subhuti, the Seventy-Two Transformations, the Somersault Cloud. It sounded less like boasting than longing for a home that could never be reached again.

The boy listened. “Can the Somersault Cloud truly cross a hundred and eight thousand li?”

The monkey rolled its eyes. “Why would this Old Sun lie? One somersault from here to Spirit Mountain—I could make three round trips and take the scenic route.”

“Then why don’t you somersault out?”

The monkey opened its mouth but said nothing. It looked toward the talisman at the summit.

The six-syllable mantra still shone, but at the lower right of “Om” ran a hair-thin crack, deeper than the last time. The boy said nothing. He memorized its shape.

On the way home he met a person. No—not a person.

A white ape sat upon a boulder, pure as snow, eyes like lamps fixed upon him. Child and ape stared at each other for the time it took to drink a cup of tea. Then the ape spoke in a voice like dead bark rubbing together.

“Young friend, this old one is Yuan Hong, chief of the Seven Sages of Mount Mei. By my master’s command, I have waited here a long while.”

The boy tilted his head. “Whose master?”

The ape did not answer. It looked deeply at him, became a streak of white light, and vanished into the sky. One sentence remained behind.

“The time has not come. Do not act rashly. When you are fifteen, someone will come to meet you.”

He watched the direction in which Yuan Hong disappeared. Wind tugged his clothes. He did not call after or pursue him. He carved the words fifteen years old into his heart as though into stone, then returned to his tree hollow, lay down, closed his eyes, and slept.

That night he dreamed not of the monkey but of a banner. Black cloth. Golden characters. It cracked in the wind, bearing a symbol he had never seen. He could not read it.

Yet he knew it was his surname.

Chapter 6: Thirteen

This was the thirteenth spring and autumn since he had entered the world. Perhaps “spring and autumn” sounded too refined.

Thirteen years. Thirteen cycles of heat and cold. Thirteen times the peach trees flowered, fruited, shed their leaves, and stood bare in snow.

He had grown—greatly. Branches once far above him now met his hand. Cliffs that once took half a day now took several steps. Something seemed to pull his body upward. At night his bones sometimes clicked, as though his body itself found the pace too slow and urged itself on. Sometimes he wondered: Whose body is this? Why is it growing so fast?

Qi still entered him. No—not entered. Flooded. Poured. Stuffed itself inside him as though it cost nothing. He had drained everything for a hundred li. Plants yellowed, greened, yellowed again, as if resigned. Then the reach widened to three hundred li, then five.

Sitting at the summit with eyes closed, he felt motes fly from every direction, through forests, clouds, and stone like summoned carrier pigeons. He needed only breathe. With every inhalation and exhalation, the qi of heaven and earth rose and fell like a tide.

He did not know what it was called or how difficult cultivation was for others. The monkey had once said it spent three years merely learning to draw qi into its body under Patriarch Subhuti. He had said nothing, thinking only: Three years? So long?

Nothing special happened on his thirteenth birthday. He rose early and washed in the stream. The cold numbed his fingertips. He shook away the water; droplets flashed in the morning light and vanished.

Then he went to Five-Finger Mountain. He knew the road beyond familiarity: which stones shifted, which gullies held snakes, when each wild fruit ripened. For three years he had walked it nearly every day. He could do so with his eyes closed—and sometimes did, opening them to find himself not one step astray. The monkey said something was wrong with his head. He only smiled.

At last he arrived. The monkey lay as always beneath rubble, fur matted and dusty. Yet its eyes grew brighter, not with the last flare before death, but with something burning inside them, burning for thirteen years and growing stronger.

“Here?”

“Mm.”

“What did you bring?”

“Peaches.”

“Peaches again.”

“If you don’t want them, I’ll take them back.”

“I do, I do. Hand them over.”

Juice ran from the monkey’s mouth onto the stone, drawing ants. The boy crouched nearby. Wind moaned through cracks in the mountain like someone weeping far away.

“Monkey.”

“Mm?”

“Lately… I can see things.”

“What things?” the monkey asked around a mouthful.

“Lines. Transparent ones, reaching out of everything and joining other things. Some go to the sky, some underground, some… I don’t know where.”

The monkey stopped chewing. Its golden pupils narrowed. “…You can see the threads of causality?”

“I don’t know what they’re called. They’re just lines.”

The monkey finished the peach, crushed the pit between its teeth, and licked the juice from its hand. Then it spoke so softly it seemed afraid the talisman might hear.

“Young friend. Listen well. This Old Sun has seen demons, immortals, Buddhas, sages. I have never seen anything like you.”

“There is no line on you.”

He paused. “None?”

“Not one. Cause and effect cannot touch you. Reincarnation does not record you. Destiny cannot bind you. You are outside the Three Realms and beyond the Five Elements. I don’t know what you are, but I know this—the old monsters will discover you sooner or later. And when they do…”

Before the sentence ended, the talisman above blazed gold, an eye snapping open. The monkey’s expression changed. It closed its mouth. Something new lay in its golden eyes—worry, rage, or something the boy could not name.

He rose and looked toward the summit. The crack had deepened, running from the lower right of “Om” toward the left of “Ma,” like a dry river carving an irreversible mark into the earth.

He said nothing and turned away. After several steps, the monkey called behind him.

“Young friend!”

He stopped without looking back.

“Be careful.”

He walked on. Wind snapped his robes. Hands tucked into his sleeves, head lowered, he returned step by step to the mountain where he lived alone.

Chapter 7: Snow at Fourteen

Fourteen.

Winter came early that year. Snow began in the tenth month—not soft goose-feather flakes, but tiny grains sharp as needlepoints. They did not hurt, but their cold bored into bone.

He drew his leaf blanket tighter.

The tree hollow was not cold. Qi revolved inside him like an undying furnace. Still, he felt cold—not in his body, but somewhere else. He could not say where.

That day he did not go to Five-Finger Mountain. Not for lack of wanting. The snow was too deep. It buried the path until ditch and ridge looked the same. At the hollow’s mouth he watched a white world. His breath froze before it dispersed, frosting his lashes. He blinked, and crystals fell.

He went inside. Sat. Lay down. Sat up again.

(Something scratched inside his heart.)

At last he left.

Snow reached his knees. Each step had to be dragged free and planted again.

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

The whole mountain held only that sound. Heaven and earth were unnaturally silent, as if a hand covered the world’s mouth.

Halfway there he stopped. Not from exhaustion. He had found footprints.

Not his. Not a beast’s. Too small and orderly, as though left by a child. He crouched and touched their edges. A skin of ice had formed. They were perhaps a day old.

No one but him lived on this mountain.

He followed.

The tracks circled a dead wood, crossed a frozen stream, and vanished in the lee of a boulder. Beneath it curled a dirty-gray shape.

A fox.

It was scarcely larger than his palm. Snow clung to gray fur over ribs clear enough to count. Eyes shut, belly barely rising, each breath seemed the last strength it had.

He lifted it. Impossibly light, like holding a handful of bones wrapped in skin. One amber eye opened to a cloudy slit, like a scuffed bead. It saw him and closed again.

It did not struggle. Perhaps it lacked even the strength for that.

He tucked it inside his clothes. Through the cloth, its small cold body pressed against his chest, a stone no warmth could reach. He continued.

By Five-Finger Mountain the snow had stopped. The sky stayed gray, clouds hanging low as a waterlogged quilt.

The monkey stared. “What’s in your clothes?”

He brought out the fox. It remained curled, eyes shut, belly still moving.

The monkey watched without speaking.

“Can it be saved?” the boy asked.

The monkey pressed its one movable fingertip to the fox’s brow, closed its eyes, and remained silent. Then it withdrew and shook its head.

“It isn’t wounded or sick. It is fate.”

“Fate?”

“Its allotted life is spent. Its thread of causality has broken. This Old Sun can overturn celestial armies, but I cannot join a broken thread.”

The boy looked down.

Its life was spent. Its thread broken. Nothing could join it.

He laid a palm over the fox and closed his eyes. He saw the transparent threads crossing one another, extending from all things to heaven, earth, and each other. The fox’s lines had indeed broken—not cut, but dissolving on their own like ice in warm water, little by little and without sound.

One remained.

Thin and silver-white, it joined the fox to the forest. It faded slowly, the final line of light at dusk.

He did not know if he could reconnect it. He did not know how. He simply reached out and hooked it with a finger.

Cold. Cold enough to numb him.

He wound it around his finger once, twice. It trembled like a frightened bird. He closed his hand—not tightly, only enough—and poured something into it. Not qi. Something else.

Himself.

The line flashed, went dark, flashed again. Then it shone steadily, no longer fading or trembling, a wick rekindled.

The fox’s belly heaved. Its eyes opened—amber, clear, no longer scuffed beads. It looked at him, made a thin, hoarse sound, and licked his finger.

The monkey’s eyes nearly split wide.

“You… joined it?”

He looked at the silver line, steady from his finger into the fox. “I think so.”

“Do you know what that means?”

“What?”

The monkey inhaled and lowered its voice, afraid the sky might hear.

“The threads of causality are the foundation of the Three Realms. Sages can move them but cannot rejoin them. Hongjun can weave them but cannot make something from nothing. What you did was neither moving nor weaving. It was creation from nothing. You gave it another span of life.”

The boy looked at the fox nuzzling his finger and purring like a gray ball of cotton that could make sound.

“I only thought… it shouldn’t die.”

The monkey was silent for a long time.

“Young friend. Come to Five-Finger Mountain less often.”

“Why?”

“What is inside you draws too much attention. The old monsters will look this way sooner or later. When they do, this Old Sun will not be able to protect you.”

There was no jest in the monkey’s eyes. The two golden fires burned taut, pressed down by something unseen.

The boy nodded, tucked the fox inside his clothes, stood, brushed snow from his trousers, and left.

Far away, he looked back. The monkey lay in the same posture, pinned beneath the mountain, face raised to heaven. Snow fell on its fur, melted, fell, melted again.

Neither waved.

That night the fox slept beside his head, curled into a gray ball, tail over nose, each breath thin and warm. He lay awake studying the wood grain above him, rings like years in a tree or ripples on water.

He remembered the monkey’s words.

They will discover you sooner or later.

Sooner or later.

Not if. When.

He turned and laid a hand on the fox’s back. Its fur rose and fell. He buried his face in it and smelled earth, dry grass, and something he could not name—the smell of being alive.

Snow continued outside. The world was white. No moon, no stars, only a pure and heavy whiteness, as though someone had steeped the world in milk.

He closed his eyes.

That night he did not dream. The fox did.

He did not know what it saw. Half asleep, he felt the small body tremble—not from cold, but with the nameless shiver of a life returned from the edge. He patted its back. It quieted.

Purr. Purr.

The whole mountain slept.

Only the snow kept falling.

And far away, the crack in the talisman atop Five-Finger Mountain deepened once more, slowly and without sound.

Like a string drawn tight, waiting for the instant it would snap.

第一卷:现在

《洪荒:我不是我》的开篇卷:一个不沾因果、降生于五指山阴影下的无名孩子开始触碰三界命运。

第1章:天降圣童

天地不仁,以万物为刍狗。那一日,苍穹仿佛被生生撕裂,原本璀璨的星河在瞬间黯淡,取而代之的是一种令人窒息的沉重威压。金色的佛光并未带来慈悲,反而化作了囚禁众生的铁幕。天动万象,寰宇震颤,那是三界规则在崩塌与重塑的哀鸣。只见云端之上,一只遮天蔽日的巨手翻覆而下,五根指节化作金、木、水、火、土五座通天巨峰。那山岳带着毁灭一切的气势,搅碎了流云,压垮了虚空。在那毁天落地的阴影下,曾经大闹天宫、不可一世的齐天大圣,正奋力举起那根定海神针,试图托举起整个世界的重量。然而,山岳落下,风雷止息。“轰——!”地动山摇,烟尘散尽。那不可一世的妖王,终究是被压在了冰冷的怪石之下,只留下一声充满不甘的嘶吼,在山谷间久久回荡。如来佛祖端坐于莲台之上,法相庄严,慈眉善目中透着一股令人胆寒的漠然。他微微抬手,指尖拈着一张流淌着金光的佛帖,上书“唵、嘛、呢、叭、咪、吽”。他徐徐降下云头,像是在进行某种神圣的加冕,将那佛帖轻飘飘地贴在山巅。刹那间,五指山生根入地,万道金芒如锁链般刺入土石,将那战天斗地的魂灵彻底封死。天庭之上,仙乐奏响,琼浆玉液流淌成河。满天神佛推杯换盏,庆祝着这场“邪不压正”的胜利。人间亦是张灯结彩,凡人向着西方顶礼膜拜,感谢佛祖镇压了那闹天的魔头。载歌载舞的喧嚣背后,是众生皆苦的荒诞。没有人注意到,在这一片欢腾的海洋中,这种所谓的“安宁”是多么可怜。神佛眼中的太平,不过是给万物套上了更沉重的枷锁。没有人注意到,真的,一个都没有。就在五指山落定、佛帖封山的这一须臾,在距离封印之地三百里外的一处无名荒野。这里杂草丛生,满目枯黄。“嘶——”一声细微到近乎幻听的碎裂声响起。在摇曳的草丛上方,原本虚无的空气竟像被利刃划开的锦缎,突兀地裂开了一道漆黑的缝隙。那缝隙中没有佛光,也没有仙气,只有一股不属于这个世界的、令人心悸的寒意,正无声无息地蔓延开来。三界的命运,在那一刻,悄然滑向了另一个未知的深渊。一个婴儿,啊!一个婴儿,可怜,落在地上。没有雷霆,没有祥云,没有,没有,什么都没有。他睁开那碧蓝的眼睛,不哭不闹,安静的好像从来没有降生过一样。天上地下河里庙里山外神前没有人知道他,他降生了。那太上老君正炼制那九转还魂丹,丹炉火光忽明忽暗,他忽然顿了一下,掐指一算,却只算得一片混沌。他摇了摇头,只当天机晦涩,继续摇扇。瑶池之上,王母正与玉帝宴饮群仙,庆贺妖猴伏诛。玉帝心中微动,神念扫过三界,一无所获,便举杯笑道:“众卿满饮此杯。”只见那婴儿躺在草丛里,望着天。天很高,云很白,远处的五行山沉默如碑。他不知道自己是谁,但他知道一件事——他饿了。

第2章 荒山岁月

他饿了。这是婴儿降生后的第一个本能。他张开嘴,没有哭。只是让那泪水荒山岁月在眼眶里转了一圈又一圈,又咽了回去。他的眼睛在草丛中搜寻着什么,像是天生就知道该怎么做。然而天宫不做美——什么都没有。他慌了,他开始四处乱爬,企图找到些什么,但是没有,什么都没有。突然一棵树挡在了他面前,仰脖一看竟是那桃树。那桃子,个大肥美,可惜可惜。如同那得了皇位的老农民一样,束手无策。一股圣风精准的飘过,打到了那又大又红,有鲜又美的的桃子上。它跳了下来了精准的落在他的面前。把桃子塞进嘴里,汁水甜蜜,却足以填满那小小的胃囊甚至多余了,吃饱了。他躺在草丛里,望着天边最后一抹晚霞,慢慢闭上了眼睛。风吹过荒原,像一只无形的手,轻轻拂过他的面颊。这一夜,他做了一个梦。梦里的威武的猴子叫他,对就是叫他,叫他——,什么来着?哦,对了,莫先生。然后梦就醒了。天亮的时候,他发现自己躺在树洞里,盖着叶被,也不记清昨晚的梦。只是觉得脑子里似乎好像多了些什么,又好像似乎什么也没有多。他翻身坐起来,看了看自己的小手,又看了看周围陌生的山林,然后——去找吃的。日子就是这样过的。饿了就吃,困了就睡,醒了就走。没有人教他说话,他就对着溪水练发声;没有人教他走路,他就在山石间蹦跳攀爬,像一只灵活的小兽。山里的野兽很多。狼、虎、熊、豹,每一只都比这个幼小的生命庞大百倍。但没有一只敢靠近他。说不清是为什么。那些猛兽远远看见他,就会夹着尾巴绕道走。有一只饿了三天的花豹曾试图扑向他,冲到一半却忽然僵住,瞳孔剧烈收缩,然后发出一声哀鸣,转身就跑,像是看见了什么让它灵魂战栗的东西。他不知道这意味着什么。只是觉得这些大猫挺奇怪的。 三个月大,他会说话了。第一个字是“天’。没有老师,没有启蒙,只是凭借着陌生的记忆里的话语复述一遍而已罢了。一年,两年,三年。山中无甲子,洪荒不记年。三岁的他已经能独自翻越三座山头。他的身体像铁打的一样,从悬崖上摔下去也只是拍拍土站起来;他的力气大得惊人,能徒手掰断碗口粗的树;他的眼睛能看穿夜幕,在漆黑的山洞里如履平地。但他最可怕的地方,不是这些。而是灵气。只见那天地间的灵气像疯了一样往他身体里钻。他没有功法,没有师承,甚至连“修炼”这个词都不懂,可那些灵气却在他体内自动运转,开窍穴,通经脉,筑根基。仿佛他的身体不是用来容纳灵气的,而是灵气终于找到了它等待亿万年的归宿。那是一个清晨,他蹲在山涧边洗脸,忽然发现眼前的世界不一样了。空气中有无数光点在浮动,金色的、青色的、白色的、红色的,各自沿着某种玄妙的轨迹运行。他伸手去抓,光点从指缝间流过,却有几缕顺着他的手臂钻进了身体,暖洋洋的,像喝了一口热汤。他不知道这叫“引气入体”。也不知道寻常修士要做到这一步,少则三年,多则三十年。他只是觉得好玩,于是每天都蹲在山涧边“抓光”。半年后,那些光点不再只是绕着他转了——它们开始主动涌来,像朝圣一样涌入他的身体。方圆百里的灵气被他一个人抽空,草木枯黄,鸟兽远遁,连风都绕开了这片区域。

第三章 山中无甲子

他不知道那是第几次日出。每一次睁眼,天都是那片天,山都是那座山。只是他的手脚越来越长,身子越来越壮,从前要爬半日的崖壁,如今一跃而上。四岁那年,他开始“看”到更多。不只是灵气。还有线。天地之间,无数透明的丝线纵横交错,有的连着山,有的连着水,有的连着他自己。他伸手去碰,线从指间穿过,像蛛丝一样轻,又像铁索一样韧。他不知道这些是什么,只是隐隐觉得——那根最粗的、从东边天际垂落下来的金线,和他有关系。五岁,他第一次试着“抓”那些线。手指扣住一根银白色的细线,轻轻一拉。方圆十里的温度骤降了三度。溪水结了一层薄冰,树叶上凝出霜花。他吓了一跳,松开手,一切恢复如初。他不知道自己刚刚触碰的是“寒之法则”的雏形。也不知道寻常修士要参悟千年才能摸到法则的边缘。他只是觉得好玩,于是今天拉拉这根,明天扯扯那根。山里时而热浪滚滚,时而雷声隐隐,时而草木疯长,时而落叶成堆。飞禽走兽早就跑光了,整座山只剩他一个人,像一个在天地棋盘上胡乱落子的顽童。

六岁。那一天的清晨,和往常没什么不同。他蹲在山涧边洗脸,水面上映出一张稚嫩的脸——黑发披散,眼睛是极淡的蓝色,像两块融了冰的琉璃。他对着水面眨了眨眼,水里的人也眨了眨眼。“你是谁?”他问自己。水面的倒影没有回答。他忽然觉得这个问题很无聊。他站起身,甩了甩手上的水珠,目光越过山脊,落在了远处那座巍峨的五指山上。那五座山峰直插云霄,金光缭绕,像一只从天外按下来的巨掌。山脚下,隐隐有黑色的煞气翻涌,像是什么被镇压的东西在挣扎。他看了很久。然后他出发了。不是因为好奇。是因为他昨晚做了一个梦。梦里有一只猴子,金甲红袍,手持铁棒,站在南天门外,脚下踩着十万天兵的尸骸。那猴子回过头来,脸上的毛发被血糊成一缕一缕,眼睛却亮得像两轮太阳。“莫先生。”猴子叫他。“你什么时候来接俺?”他醒过来,记不清猴子的脸,只记得那双眼睛。和那个名字。“莫先生”。他把这个名字揣在心里,像揣一颗还没熟的果子。他不知道谁是“莫先生”,也不知道自己为什么要往五指山走。但他的脚不听使唤,或者说,他也不想听。翻过三道山梁,穿过两片枯林。越靠近五指山,草木越稀疏,空气里的灵气越稀薄。那山体上缠绕的金色锁链散发着一股无形的威压,像是有一只无形的手按在天地之间,让万物低头。他毫无感觉地走过去了。威压对他而言,像一阵穿堂风——吹过来,又从背后溜走,留不下半点痕迹。终于,他站在了五指山脚下。乱石堆中,压着一只猴子。不,不是猴子。是一尊被困住的战神。只见那猴子的身躯比梦里小得多,毛发枯黄打结,满身尘土,像一块被扔在路边的破石头。只有那双眼睛,金色的,燃烧着的,像两团不灭的火。

那双眼睛看见了他。一猴一童,隔着一堆乱石,对视了三个呼吸。“小孩。”猴子的声音沙哑得像两块石头摩擦,却带着一股压不垮的倔强。“你有桃吗?”他从怀里掏出一个桃子。那是在路上最后一棵活着的桃树上摘的。那棵树歪歪扭扭,只结了一个果,又小又青,像是用尽了全部力气才保住这一颗。他把那个桃子摘下来,不知道为什么,也许是冥冥中有什么东西在告诉他——该带一个桃子。他蹲下来,把桃子递过去。猴子愣住了。那双金色的眼睛里,火焰猛地一窜,又压了下去。“……你不怕我?”“为什么要怕你?”他歪着头,认真地想了想。“你被压着,又动不了。”猴子张了张嘴,想说什么,又咽了回去。它接过桃子,没有咬,只是攥在手里,翻来覆去地看。“俺老孙……好久没吃桃了。”声音很轻。他蹲在一边,看着猴子把那颗又小又青的桃子慢慢吃完,连核都嚼碎了咽下去。猴子的喉结上下滚动了一下,然后那双金色的眼睛看向他。“你叫什么名字?”他想了想。“我没有名字。”“没有名字?”猴子的眉头皱起来,像两个毛团挤在一起,“连名字都没有?”“没有就是没有。”猴子盯着他看了很久,目光从他脸上扫到脚上,又从脚上扫回脸上。忽然,猴子咧嘴笑了,露出一口黄牙,笑声沙哑却带着一股子爽利。“哈哈哈!好!连名字都没有的人,居然敢走到这五指山下来!俺老孙喜欢你!”

猴子伸出一根毛茸茸的手指,戳了戳他的肩膀。“记住了,俺叫孙悟空,齐天大圣孙悟空!以后你就是俺老孙的小友了!谁敢欺负你,报俺老孙的名号!”“你被压着,怎么帮我?”“……你这话说得,让俺老孙没法接。”猴子翻了个白眼,把手指收回去,往石头上一靠,望着天。“行了,去吧去吧。这地方不是你该待的,那些秃驴留了禁制,凡人待久了要出事的。”他站起身,拍了拍土,转身走了。走出几步,又回头看了一眼。那只猴子正仰头看着天,阳光从山缝里漏下来,照得那双金眸格外亮。明明被压在山下动弹不得,可那眼神,却像是在俯瞰整个三界。他忽然觉得,这天地间,自己好像不是一个人了。回到山里,他把手伸进怀里。空的。没了。他低头看了看自己的手,手心还沾着桃皮上的一点青色汁液。他把手凑到鼻子前闻了闻,有一股淡淡的甜味。“孙悟空……”他念了一遍这个名字。然后他又念了一遍,像是要把这三个字刻进骨头里。那天晚上,他又做了一个梦。梦里还是那只猴子,金甲红袍,铁棒横天。但这一次,猴子没有叫他“莫先生”,而是叫他——“小友。”他站在南天门外,脚下的云海翻涌如沸。猴子把铁棒往肩上一扛,回过头来,咧着嘴笑。“走,俺带你闹天宫去。”他张嘴想说“好”,梦就醒了。天还没亮。树洞外面,月光如水,洒在他盖着的那张叶被上。他翻了个身,闭上眼睛,嘴角微微翘着。他不知道,在他睡着的时候,五指山巅那张佛帖上,有一个梵文字符,无声地裂开了一道细纹。细如发丝,深不见底。

第4章 十岁

山中岁月长,也短。

他七岁那年,已经能扛起千斤巨石。八岁,徒手劈断瀑布,让一条银练在空中停滞三个呼吸。九岁,他不再只是“抓光”,而是开始“吞”——张口一吸,方圆数十里的灵气如百川归海,灌入他的四肢百骸。每一次吐纳,都像是在与天地交换呼吸,他的骨骼在灵气的冲刷下发出清脆的鸣响,像古琴的弦被一一拨动。但他最在意的,始终是那座山。

每隔几天,他就会去一趟五指山。起初是五六天一次,后来变成两三天一次,最后几乎每天都去。去的路上他会随手摘些野果,有时是桃,有时是梨,有时只是几把酸涩的山枣。猴子从不挑,给什么吃什么,一边嚼一边骂如来老儿、骂玉帝老儿、骂那偷桃的七仙女也顺便骂两句。他蹲在旁边听着,偶尔插一句嘴,问“蟠桃是什么味道”,猴子就闭上嘴,咽了咽口水,眼睛望向东南方向的天际,半天不说话。他知道猴子想家了——不是想那个冷冰冰的天庭,是想花果山。那些话猴子不说,但他看得出来。

八岁那年的秋天,他第一次在猴子面前展现了自己的力量。那天他路过一座小山丘,觉得它挡了路,随手一拳轰碎了一半。碎石飞溅,烟尘冲天,动静大得连百里外的村庄都有人以为是地龙翻身。猴子在五指山下感受到震动,等他一到,那双金色的眼睛就死死盯着他,目光里不再是看小孩的随意,而是第一次带上了审视。“你这小友,”猴子慢慢开口,“到底是什么来路?”他想了想,老老实实回答:“不知道。”猴子又盯了他半天,忽然叹了口气,语气变得认真起来:“俺老孙看不透你。当年在斜月三星洞,菩提老祖教过俺望气之术,三界之中,除了那几尊圣人,没有俺看不透的。可你……你身上什么都没有。”

“什么都没有?”

“对。没有因果线,没有命格,没有轮回印。你站在俺面前,俺能看见你,能摸到你,但在俺的法眼之中,你是一片空白。就像……你不该存在。”猴子说这话的时候,声音压得很低,像是怕被什么东西听见。他听了,没有害怕,也没有困惑,只是觉得心里某个地方动了一下。那片空白,也许不是什么缺陷。也许,正是那片空白,才让他能走到今天这一步。

九岁。他的修为已经到了一个他自己都不清楚的高度。没有瓶颈,没有天劫,甚至没有任何征兆——每一次呼吸,他的力量都在增长;每一个日夜,他对这个世界的理解都在加深。他开始能看见因果线,那些透明的丝线从万物身上延伸出去,织成一张覆盖三界的巨网。他自己身上没有线,但他的手可以触碰到别人的线,轻轻拨动,就能改变命运的流向。他试过一次,拨了一根连着山下一只母鹿的线。第二天,那只母鹿生下了一对双胞胎——这在鹿族中本是百年难遇的吉兆。他不知道自己做的这件事意味着什么,只是觉得,这根线,比灵气的光点更好玩。

十岁生日那天,他没有去找猴子。他站在山巅,脚下是茫茫云海,头顶是无尽苍穹。罡风如刀,刮得他的衣袍猎猎作响,却吹不动他分毫。他闭上眼睛,内视己身——丹田之中,一朵青莲缓缓旋转,花瓣上刻着他看不懂的古老符文;眉心深处,一团混沌般的光芒在沉浮,像是某扇门正在缓缓打开。他不知道自己已经到了哪个境界。金仙?太乙?大罗?那些名词是他从猴子嘴里听来的,但他从来没有用这些标准衡量过自己。他只知道,现在的他,一只手就能捏碎这座山。而那座五指山——他睁开眼,看向远处的五座巨峰——他似乎也能感觉到,那上面的金色佛帖,正在他的注视下微微颤抖。

他忽然想起猴子说过的一句话。“三界之中,除了那几尊圣人,没有俺看不透的。”圣人。他念着这两个字,嘴角微微上扬。那不是敬畏,也不是向往,而是一种很奇怪的、连他自己都说不清的感觉——像是在问自己:圣人,很强吗?

那天夜里,他没有做梦。但在半梦半醒之间,他听见了一个声音。那个声音很遥远,像是从时间的另一端传来,又很近,像是贴着他的耳膜在低语。声音只说了一句话,很短,他却听得清清楚楚:“快了。”他翻了个身,叶被从肩上滑落,露出他日渐宽阔的肩背。月光照在他脸上,那副少年的眉眼已经褪去了婴儿肥,轮廓分明,带着一种不属于这个年龄的沉稳。他睡得很沉,嘴角没有翘,眉头没有皱,像一个普通的孩子,在一座普通的山上,度过了一个普通的夜晚。

他不知道的是,在他沉睡的这一夜,五指山巅那张佛帖上的裂纹,又深了几分。

第5章 十二岁的雷

十一岁那年,他做了一件让猴子目瞪口呆的事。

那天他照常去送果子,走到半路,忽然停下了脚步。不是因为累了,而是他感觉到——天在动。不是云在飘,不是风在吹,而是整片苍穹像一面巨大的鼓面,被什么东西从外面敲了一下,嗡嗡地震。他仰起头,看见天穹深处有什么东西在酝酿,紫黑色的雷云从四面八方汇聚,像一只巨大的眼睛正在缓缓睁开。猴子在五指山下也感觉到了,那张毛脸上第一次露出紧张的神色,冲着他大喊:“快跑!是天劫!有人渡天劫,离你太近了!”

他没有跑。他站在原地,仰头看着那片越来越厚重的雷云,心里忽然生出一个念头——这雷,好像不是冲着别人来的。第一道雷霆落下来的时候,他伸出了右手。那道紫金色的雷柱有水缸那么粗,裹挟着毁天灭地的威势,却在触碰到他指尖的一瞬间,像一条被捏住七寸的蛇,猛地僵住了。然后,雷霆顺着手臂涌入他的身体,没有爆炸,没有灼烧,而是像灵气一样,温顺地汇入了他的丹田。猴子在山下看得眼珠子差点蹦出来。“你……你把天劫吃了?”

他低头看了看自己的手心,上面连个焦痕都没有。他想了想,说:“有点麻。”猴子沉默了很久,最后只憋出一句话:“你他妈到底是什么东西。”

那一天,方圆千里的修士都感应到了那股恐怖的雷霆威压。有人渡天劫,天劫却在一瞬间消失了,像是被什么东西一口吞掉。消息传到天庭,司雷的闻仲太师皱了皱眉,在薄子上批了四个字:天象异常。没有人深究。也没有人能深究。

十二岁。

他开始长个子了。一年之间蹿高了大半个头,肩膀变宽,嗓音变沉,站在山巅上,风把他披散的黑发吹得像一面旗帜。猴子每次见了他都要酸几句:“哟,小友长高了,再过几年该比俺老孙高了。”他懒得理猴子,坐在乱石堆上,把带来的果子递过去,然后像往常一样,开始听猴子讲那些陈年旧事。

猴子今天讲的不是闹天宫,而是更早的事。花果山,水帘洞,美猴王,漂洋过海拜师学艺,菩提老祖,七十二变,筋斗云。猴子讲这些的时候,语气不像在吹嘘,反而带着一种奇怪的怀念,像是在说一个再也回不去的故乡。他安静地听着,偶尔问一句“筋斗云真的能翻十万八千里吗”,猴子就白他一眼:“俺老孙骗你作甚?一个筋斗,从这儿到灵山,来回三趟还带拐弯的。”他说:“那你怎么不翻出去?”猴子张了张嘴,没说话,只是抬头看了看山巅那张佛帖。

他顺着猴子的目光看过去。那张金色的佛帖上,六字真言依然流转着光芒,但他注意到,在“唵”字的右下角,有一道细如发丝的裂纹。那道裂纹,上次来的时候还没有这么深。他没有告诉猴子,只是把那道裂纹的样子记在了心里。

那天回去的路上,他遇到了一个人。不,不是人。

是一只白猿,通体雪白,没有一根杂毛,蹲在一块巨石上,两只眼睛像两盏灯,直直地盯着他。他停下脚步,看着那只白猿。白猿也看着他。一人一猿对视了足足一盏茶的功夫,白猿忽然开口说话了,声音苍老得像枯树皮在摩擦:“小友,老夫袁洪,乃梅山七圣之首。奉主人之命,来此等候多时了。”

他歪了歪头。“谁的主人?”

白猿没有回答,只是深深地看了他一眼,然后化作一道白光,消失在天际。临走之前,留下了一句话:“时机未到,不可妄动。待小友十五岁时,自有人来相见。”

他站在原地看着白猿消失的方向,风吹动他的衣角。他没有追问,也没有追上去。他只是把“十五岁”这三个字,像刻石头一样刻进了心里。然后他转身,继续走回他的树洞,躺下,闭眼,睡觉。

那一夜,他梦见的不是猴子,而是一面旗。黑底金字,猎猎作响,旗上写着一个他从未见过的字。那个字他不认识,但他知道,那是他的姓。

第6章 十三岁

这是他降生在这个世上的第十三个春秋。或许说“春秋”太文绉绉了。十三年。十三个寒来暑往。十三次桃树开花、结果、落叶、光秃秃地站在雪里。他长高了。高了很多。从前要仰头看的树杈,现在伸手就够着了。从前要爬半日的崖壁,现在几步就跃上去。身子像被什么东西拽着往上蹿,骨头夜里偶尔咯咯响——像是身体自己也嫌慢,在催。(他有时候想,这身子到底是谁的?怎么长得这么急?)灵气还在往他身体里钻。不是钻了。是涌。是灌。是像不要钱一样地往里塞。方圆百里的灵气早被他吸干了,草木黄了又绿,绿了又黄,像是认命了。后来范围扩大到三百里、五百里。他坐在山巅上,闭上眼,能感觉到那些光点从四面八方飞过来,穿过树林,穿过云层,穿过岩石,像一群被召唤的信鸽。他不需要做什么。呼吸就行。一呼一吸,天地间的灵气就像潮水一样涨落。他不知道这叫什么。也不知道别人修炼有多难。(猴子说过一次,说当年在菩提老祖那儿,光引气入体就花了三年。他听了,没说话。只是觉得……三年?那么久?)十三岁这天。没什么特别的。他起了个大早,去山涧里洗了把脸。水很凉,凉得指尖发麻。他甩了甩手,水珠在晨光里闪了一下,就没了。然后他去了五指山。路已经熟得不能再熟了。哪块石头松动,哪条沟里有蛇,哪棵树上的野果什么时候熟——他都记得。这三年,他几乎每天都走这条路。闭着眼都能走。有时闭着眼真走一段,睁开眼,分毫不差。(猴子说他是有病。好好的路不走,非要闭眼。)(他笑笑,没解释。)终于到了。猴子还是那个姿势。压在乱石堆里,毛发打结,尘土满身。但那双眼睛……越来越亮了。不是那种回光返照的亮,是像有什么东西在眼睛里头烧,烧了十三年,越烧越旺。“来了?”“嗯。”带了啥?”“桃。”“又是桃。”“不吃我拿走了。”“吃吃吃。拿来。”他把桃子递过去。猴子接住,咬了一口,汁水顺着嘴角往下淌,滴在石头上,引来几只蚂蚁。他蹲在一边,看着猴子吃。风从山缝里灌进来,呜呜地响,像是有人在远处哭。他忽然开口。“猴子。”“嗯?”“我最近……能看到一些东西。”猴子嚼着桃,含混不清地问:“啥东西?”“线。”“线?”“嗯。透明的。从万物身上伸出来,连着别的东西。连得很远。有些连到天上,有些连到地下,有些……不知道连到哪儿去了。”猴子停下了咀嚼。那双金色的眼睛盯着他,瞳孔微微收缩。“……你能看见因果线?”“我不知道那叫什么。就是线。”猴子沉默了很久。桃子吃完了。核嚼碎了。连手上的汁水都舔干净了。然后猴子说了一句话,声音很轻,轻得像是怕被山巅那张佛帖听见。“小友,你听好了。”“俺老孙这辈子,见过妖,见过仙,见过佛,见过圣人。”“没见过你这样的。”“你身上没有线。”他愣了一下。“没有?”“没有。一根都没有。”猴子的目光落在他脸上,像是在看一个不该存在的东西。“因果不沾,轮回不录,命数不牵。你不在这三界之中,不在那五行之内。俺老孙不知道你是什么,但俺知道——”猴子顿了顿。“那帮老东西,迟早会发现你。”“到那时候……”话没说完。山巅上那张佛帖忽然亮了一下。金光大作。像一只眼睛猛地睁开。猴子脸色一变,闭上嘴,不再说话。只是那双金色的眼睛里,多了一层东西。是担忧。是愤怒。还是别的什么?他说不清。

他站起身。抬头看了看山巅。那张佛帖上的裂纹……又深了。从“唵”字的右下角,一直蔓延到“嘛”字的左边。像一道干涸的河流,在大地上刻下了不可逆转的痕迹。他没说话。转身走了。走出几步,听见猴子在身后喊了一句。“小友!”他停下脚步。没回头。“小心点。”他抬起脚,继续走。风很大。吹得他的衣袍猎猎作响。他把手揣进袖子里,低着头,一步一步,走回那座只有他一个人的山。

第7章:十四岁的雪

十四岁。

这年冬天来得特别早。

才入十月,山里就开始飘雪。不是那种纷纷扬扬的鹅毛大雪,是细碎的、针尖一样的雪粒。打在脸上不疼,但冷。冷得往骨头缝里钻。

他把叶被裹紧了些。

树洞里不算冷。灵气在他体内转着,像一炉永远不灭的火。但他还是觉得冷——不是身子冷,是别的什么地方。

说不上来。

那天他没有去五指山。

不是不想去。是雪太大了。山路被埋得严严实实,分不清哪儿是沟哪儿是坎。他站在树洞口,望着白茫茫的天地,呼出的白气还没散开就冻成了霜,挂在睫毛上。眨了眨眼,霜碎了,簌簌往下掉。

他退回树洞里。

坐了一会儿。又躺下。又坐起来。

(心里有什么东西在挠。)

最后他还是出门了。

雪没过膝盖。每走一步都要拔出来,再踩下去。咯吱。咯吱。咯吱。整座山只剩下这个声音。天地安静得不正常,像被什么东西捂住了嘴。

走到半路的时候,他停下了。

不是因为累。

是他看见了一行脚印。

不是他的。也不是野兽的。太小了,太整齐了,像是……一个孩子踩出来的。

他蹲下来,用手指戳了戳那脚印的边缘。雪已经结了一层薄冰——这脚印,大概是昨天留下的。

这座山,除了他,没有人。

他顺着脚印走。

脚印绕过了一片枯林,穿过一条冰封的溪面,最后消失在一块巨岩的背风处。岩石底下,蜷着一团灰扑扑的东西。

是一只狐狸。

很小。比他的巴掌大不了多少。灰色的皮毛上沾满了雪沫子,瘦得肋骨根根分明。它蜷在那里,闭着眼,肚皮微弱地起伏着。每一次呼吸都像在用最后的力气。

他蹲下来,把狐狸捧起来。

轻得不像话。像是捧着一把骨头和一层皮。狐狸的眼睛睁开了一条缝——琥珀色的,浑浊的,像两颗被磨花的珠子。它看了他一眼,又闭上了。

没有挣扎。

(大概是连挣扎的力气都没了。)

他把狐狸揣进怀里。隔着衣料,那团小小的冰冷贴着他的胸口。凉意渗过来,像一块怎么都捂不热的石头。

继续走。

走到五指山的时候,雪停了。天还是灰蒙蒙的,云压得很低,像一床浸了水的棉被。

猴子看见他,愣了一下。

“你怀里揣的啥?”

他把狐狸掏出来。还是蜷着,还是闭着眼,但肚皮还在动。

猴子看了很久,没说话。

“能救吗?”他问。

猴子伸出那根唯一能动的手指,指尖抵在狐狸的额头上。闭眼,沉默了好一会儿。然后收回手指,摇了摇头。

“不是伤,不是病。是命。”

“命?”

“这只狐狸的命数到了。它的因果线已经断了。俺老孙能打翻天兵天将,但接不上一根断了的线。”

他看着手里的狐狸。

命数到了。

因果线断了。

接不上了。

他低下头,把手掌覆在狐狸的身上。闭上眼。他看见那些线——透明的、纵横交错的丝线。从万物身上延伸出来,连着天,连着地,连着彼此。狐狸身上的线确实断了。不是被剪断的,是……自己消散的。像冰融化在温水里。一点一点,无声无息。

只剩最后一根。

细细的,银白色的,连着狐狸和这片山林。正在慢慢变淡,像暮色里最后一缕光。

他不知道能不能接上。也不知道该怎么做。

只是伸出手指,轻轻勾住了那根线。

凉的。

凉得指尖发麻。

他把那根线绕在手指上,一圈,两圈。线在颤抖,像一只受惊的鸟。他握紧了——不紧,只是刚刚好。然后他往里灌了一些东西。不是灵气,是别的。是他自己。

那根线亮了一下。

又暗了。

再亮一下。

然后,稳稳地,亮了起来。不再消散,不再颤抖。像一根被重新点燃的灯芯。

狐狸的肚皮猛地鼓了一下。然后,它睁开了眼睛。琥珀色的。清亮的。不再是那两颗被磨花的珠子。它看着他,喉咙里发出一声细细的、沙哑的叫唤。然后伸出舌头,舔了舔他的手指。

猴子在旁边看得眼眶都要裂了。

“你……你接上了?”

他低头看着那根银白色的线。还在。稳稳的。从他的手指延伸到狐狸的身体里。

“好像是。”

“你知不知道这意味着什么?”

“什么?”

猴子深吸一口气。声音压得很低,像是怕被天听见。

“因果线是三界的根本法则。圣人能拨动,但不能接续。鸿钧能编织,但不能无中生有。你刚才做的……不是拨动,不是编织。是从无到有。你给了它一段新的命。”

他低下头,看着狐狸。狐狸正用脑袋蹭他的手指,呼噜呼噜的,像一团会响的灰色棉花。

“我就是觉得……它不该死。”

猴子沉默了很久。

然后说了一句话。

“小友。你以后……少来五指山。”

“为什么?”

“你身上的东西,太惹眼了。那帮老东西的眼睛,迟早会盯过来。到那时候,俺老孙护不住你。”

他看着猴子。猴子的眼睛里没有开玩笑的意思。那两团金色的火焰在烧,但烧得发紧,像是被什么东西压着。

他点了点头。

把狐狸塞回怀里,站起身,拍了拍裤子上的雪。转身走了。

走出很远,回头看。

猴子还是那个姿势。压在山下,仰头望天。雪花落在那张毛脸上,化开,又落,又化开。

他没有挥手,猴子也没有。

那天夜里。

狐狸睡在他枕头边。蜷成一个灰色的团子,尾巴盖在鼻尖上,呼出的气息又细又暖。他睁着眼,望着树洞顶上的木纹。木纹一圈一圈,像树的年轮,又像水的涟漪。

他想起猴子说的话。

“那帮老东西,迟早会发现你。”

迟早。

(不是“如果”。是“迟早”。)

他翻了个身,把手搭在狐狸的背上。狐狸的皮毛一颤一颤的,随着呼吸起伏。他把脸埋进去,闻到泥土、枯草和某种说不清的、活着的味道。

雪还在下。

树洞外面,天地白茫茫一片。没有月光,没有星光,只有一种……纯粹的、沉甸甸的白。像有人把整个世界浸在了一盆牛奶里。

他闭上眼睛。

这一夜,他没有做梦。

但狐狸做了一个梦。

他不知道狐狸梦见了什么。只是在半梦半醒之间,感觉到那团小小的身体在颤抖。不是冷,是别的。是那种劫后余生的、说不清的颤。

他拍了拍狐狸的背。

狐狸安静了。

呼噜呼噜。

呼噜呼噜。

整座山都睡着了。

只有雪还在下。

和远处五指山巅那张佛帖上的裂纹,无声地、缓慢地,又深了一分。

像一根被拉紧的弦。

在等一个断掉的瞬间。